Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
You Might Also Like
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
shampoo implies shampee
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.