‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
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*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
This guy’s not having it 😆
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.