waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
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Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
is there nothing we can trust anymore
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.