*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
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I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
We need more people like this.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.