devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
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Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
the Monday after daylight savings
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.