Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
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My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.