*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
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if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard