*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
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What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.