*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
You Might Also Like
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
This kid will have a bright future.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
wait.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher