protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
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me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?