If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
You Might Also Like
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
this makes me so uncomfortable
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.