@: edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
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@dafloydsta: [1st day working at appliance store] CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on? ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
@ArfMeasures: [phone] Me: Oh wow I love your voice Her: Thanks! Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south? Her: Good guess! Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food! Her: Me too! It's the best! Me: It really is Her: Anyway what's your emergency Me: I've been stabbed
@TheTweetOfGod: Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
@PaperWash: me: what are you doing lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs] lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail