Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
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Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH