Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
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Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Breaking news:
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
they should invent a rest for the wicked
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
crochet youtube is brutal
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????