EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
You Might Also Like
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Bread puns are on the rise!
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.