Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
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This sounds bad:
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why