Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
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Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.