[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
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as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.