Egyptians don’t walk like that.
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Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”