THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
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I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office