“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
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my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”