Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
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*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
the rocks need my help
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism