@reczit: Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don't want to share their pizza with anyone.
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@InternetHippo: [someone kicks a dumpster out of anger] ME (from inside): Who is it?
@dafloydsta: Doc: I'm afraid you got 6 months to live Me: Why are YOU afraid? Doc: I'm not Me: You said you were Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW?
@smithsara79: John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds! Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
@TheAlexNevil: *Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to "stay"
@papasuncle: ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
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