Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
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A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
How to draw a duck
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan