@truegritrumble: FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend? ME: She’s a real queen bee. FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure. *a faint buzzing from my pocket* ME: Dude, she’s right here.

@ThaJawn: *braids your voodoo doll's hair Me: HAHAHAHA! She will wake up and be like "who braided my hair" HAHAHAHA

@MommaUnfiltered: Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him. And now someone's texting him.

@badbanana: I'll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

@tomw1984: I'm off work next week so I'm gonna throw this knife at a map, where it lands I go. *throws knife, misses map.* Space, I'm going to space