Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
You Might Also Like
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.