Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
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He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.