Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
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You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
A completely valid reaction tbh
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.