Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
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I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.