How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
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You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.