Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
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I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
japanese corn
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back