@LoveNLunchmeat: Either you die or it's a good trampoline. There's no in-between.
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@DanMentos: me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I'm owned online* wife: do you hear bees
@AnOrangeSNES: In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
@bridger_w: Every time I think I've parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it's the length of two football fields
@LaceyNycole: *brings donuts to work* Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat. Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.