Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
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Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
can’t bark with your mouth full
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack