*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
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“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.