El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
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Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
sigh
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!