ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
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A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
😲 WTF? 😆
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
me before I type out affect or effect
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.