[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
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god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
See..?
.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are