[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
You Might Also Like
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Clients after you give them your rates
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
need him
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
#MeanwhileinCanada
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.