I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
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I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
✌🏽
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours