@Bill_Nye_Tho__: elephants sleep standing up you could be chillin with an elephant and at any moment they could just be like "lmao for sure, g'night"
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@DurtMcHurtt: [dinner at brother's house] "So where are the kids?" Brother: I grounded them. *spits out meatloaf*
@Chumpstring: I'm my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
@novicefather: One bad mushroom trip in high school and here I am 15 years later still sexually attracted to Rosie O'Donnell.