Plumber: I think I found the problem
You Might Also Like
she has a point
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
A roof is a house hat.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?