Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
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Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked