@horselythighs: Elijah Wood and Toby Mcguire: whoever dies first gets played by the other in the biopic
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@MicheleAKALips: Sometimes when I'm bored I send a text to a random number saying, "ok they're dead, what do I do with the body?"
@theshamingofjay: My son just said he doesn't like cheese and now I have to interview all the mailmen in my neighborhood
@flashember: [Giraffe Weatherman] "Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but *giraffe lowers head* on the ground we're still looking good."
@murrman5: I'm off to the store got your wallet? yes you sure? YES *hour later wife turns on news and I'm being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*