@horselythighs: Elijah Wood and Toby Mcguire: whoever dies first gets played by the other in the biopic
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@TeaAndCopy: ME: I'll see you in a month WIFE: Don't forget to write ME: It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Sharon
@colegamble: The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, "Living the dream" was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
@Ristolable: The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"