[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
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Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
For those that worship cheese..
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
In Canada they just call them geese
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
who did the taste test?
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.