I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
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Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Y’all know who you are.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!