Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
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I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I never needed anything more in my life
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”