Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
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Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]