Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
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There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Is this you?
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
no
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally