Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
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[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I wish I were this cool 😂
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.