Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
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What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.