I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
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The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
new year update: losing everything but weight
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG