e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
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Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.