emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
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Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I’d love this…lol
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)