*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
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I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
had to share :’)
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby