{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
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Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
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After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
*has no idea what a book even is*
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Actually cracking up @ this
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar